The biker life is chock full of clichés. We also have our fair share of jokes, quotes, stories and tales, legends, parables, lies and yarns. Call them what you will, we bikers are a funny and clever lot. I’ve written some clever biker banter over the years, in hopes that someday someone will care enough to read it. Here’s a smattering from the pile of index cards I keep in my desk drawer. Please feel free to jot them down, email them, tell them and share them alike.

  • People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harass rich women than bikers.
  • I would rather be riding my motorcycle on a Sunday morning thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle.
  • Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death (Hunter S. Thompson).
  • That’s all the motorcycle is, a system of concepts worked out in steel. (Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)
  • Most motorcycle problems are caused by the nut that connects the handle bars to the saddle.
  • Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul.
  • You’re the guy that’ll be sneaking out of your bedroom at three o’clock in the morning to look at your bike. (Paul Teutul, Sr., American Chopper) * It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed.
  • If you ride like there’s no tomorrow, there won’t be.
  • I ride way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Safety is a cheap and effective insurance policy. (Kirk Harrington, Ace Motorcycle Insurance)
  • When you’re riding lead, don’t spit.
  • Sometimes the best communication happens when you’re on a separate bike.
  • Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
  • Burn rubber, not your soul, baby. (Craig Fernandez and Reggie Bythe wood, Biker Boyz)
  • Work to ride and ride to work.
  • Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary.
  • A motorcycle functions entirely in accordance with the laws of reason, and a study of the art of motorcycle maintenance is really a miniature study of the art of rationality itself. (Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)
  • The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
  • And I to my motorcycle Parked like the soul of the junkyard Restored, a bicycle fleshed With power, and tore off Up Highway 106, continually
  • Drunk on the wind in my mouth, Wringing the handlebar for speed, Wild to be wreckage forever. (James Dickey, “Cherrylog Road”)
  • Keep your bike in good repair: motorcycle boots are not comfortable for walking.
  • Bikes don’t leak oil, they mark their territory.
  • Respect the person who has seen the dark side of motorcycling and lived.
  • Young riders pick a destination and go… Old riders pick a direction and go. * Winter is Nature’s way of telling you to polish.
  • There’s something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer
  • ‘Oh, hell!’ is usually the moment when your plan parts ways with reality. * Got a $5 head? Get a $5 helmet.
  • Keep thy eye on the tach and thine ears on the engine lest thy whirlybits seek communion with the sun. (John 4:50)
  • You start the game with a full pot o’ luck and an empty pot o’ experience. * The object is to fill the pot of experience before you empty the pot of luck. * ‘Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, Wow! What a Ride!’ (Hunter S. Thompson)
  • A zest for living must include a willingness to die. (R.A. Heinlein)
  • If you think you don’t need a helmet, you probably don’t.
  • Pie and coffee are as important as petrol.
  • Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
  • A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
  • Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
  • When you look down the road, it seems to never end, but you better believe it does.
  • If she changes her oil more than she changes her mind, follow her. * Sleep with one arm through the spokes and keep your pants on.
  • A good long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of fuel.
  • Gray-haired riders don’t get that way from pure luck.
  • Middle age starts when you have been warned to slow down, not by a motorcycle cop, but by your doctor.
  • Remember the time when sex was safe and motorcycles where dangerous. * God didn’t create metal so that man could make paper clips!

……….. and finally……..

FRIENDS VS. BIKER FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

BIKER FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FRIENDS: Will say “hello.”

BIKER FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

BIKER FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BIKER FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.

BIKER FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days, then give it back. BIKER FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

BIKER FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that’s what the crowd is doing. BIKER FRIENDS: Will kick that whole crowd’s butt.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

BIKER FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, “I’m home!”

FRIENDS: Are for a while. BIKER FRIENDS: Are for life

I hope you enjoyed reading these thoughts, quotes and quips as much as I enjoyed writing them!

Well, signing off for now. Remember, ride strong, ride safe, and in the end, make sure you ride home.

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